The other day I posted something on Facebook that said I “wasn’t excited” about my upcoming adventures in travel induced spiritual bohemia. Since I posted that I started to feel a little self conscious about it. More and more these days, I’m very aware of what kind of issues I have that rate either as a “real problem” or a “privileged whiny persons problem.” Expressing any sort of strife or concern about my mental well being during this years journey is very much a “privileged whiny persons problem.”
Nonetheless, how the world effects us matters. How our actions effect us matters. And how our emotions hit us matters. All the love, spiritual awareness and even intellect doesn’t work until you have something to graft it on. In a very “how the fuck did that happen?” mood, I found myself waking up in Ram Dass’s house last August wondering how I so casually spent the last 14 years going to an office pretty much every day. In my head I always thought I was cut from the cloth of the American road warrior ethic that spawned the Grateful Dead, Kerouac, Ram Dass and Barnum and Bailey. That was the blue-print that I always resonated with most – the fierce commitment to going where the heart draws you even if it’s unpredictable and often times mistake laden. And while I still maintain this to be true in theory only, I found myself digging in deep towards a safe, stable and career centric life style in Los Angeles as a response to my mid-20s woes that saw me neck deep in addiction and a floundering of the human spirit. So I cleaned up, got a job, did ok at it, and poof – 14 years went by.
Now here’s the thing, I’ve been a good worker and reasonably successful by career standards but admittedly I’ve never had the passion to REALLY want to see it through in it’s current manifestation. I’m a good digital marketing strategists but somethings been missing. And when you feel something is missing the only choice is to take action.
There is a duplicity in the spiritual life – on one hand one gets an absolute peace with the way things are and on the other an acute awareness of what feels dharmic and what doesn’t. So while you can find many ways to find happiness, no matter the external situation, if something isn’t right it becomes very hard to accept it for the way it is. Tinkering becomes necessary.
With no conscious intention made I’ve amassed a decent resume and have become quite accustomed to being a solidier of the work place, a house holder and someone who’s adventure laden roots have fallen by the wayside. So now, the calling to seek and explore more is very loud. This brand of non attached exploration just feels foreign to me so my first reaction is to be nervous about it which is why I said earlier in the week that I “wasn’t excited” yet. Nervous, unsettled and unpredictable. I’ve become a product of the American culture of having to know where the next paycheck is coming from so breaking that mold is just as vital for me as is seeking deeper inner connections and realizations.
Another tangental burning obsession for wanting to go on a walkabout is the sheer size of Planet Earth. I don’t know about you but it bothers me that pretty much the furthest place you can go on Planet Earth is only 20 hours away by place. That’s it. 20 hours to go to the most distant point from where you are now. To me that doesn’t reassure me that our entire range of exploration is really that infinite and endless. The planet feels small. I must say that I would have felt a lot more comfortable in older times when it took months and months to get somewhere before jet travel existed. Add to that much of the world was uncharted – so you’d literally spend many dangerous months exploring the unknown corners of our material world on rollicking ships and seas! Now the world is small and all reachable so I’d better see as much of it as I can since I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to be doing any space travel this incarnation.
In the last month I’ve quit my job, packed up my house, sent my cat to stay with my dear friend for awhile and narrowed all my immediate possessions down to some random suitcases. I plan on going to India, Brazil, Maui, Joshua Tre for starters. I plan on taking an honest stab at writing a book. I plan on refining my kirtan practice even more. Through the grace of fantastic friends I have a great place lined up in Maui, my cat has a home while I’m India, my ’73 Nova has an adopted mother (really) and I have no shortage of love and support.